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storytime with Shay

Dungeon Etiquette for Everyone poster! Design by @LexLuthor

If you have an event/venue and are interested in printing this poster, we're happy to help- e-mail stefanos.shay@gmail.com!

Pregnancy and BDSM

The idea of a pregnant person tied up and being flogged is almost certain to evoke complicated emotions and concerns. It's easy to say (or imply) that people "should" just stop playing during their pregnancies -- it's easy, and lacks nuance...

Don’t Be “That Asshole”- On Reporting Crimes in the BDSM/Leather Community

In every conversation by or about someone who was assaulted and/or raped, especially in the BDSM/leather community, it seems like “that asshole” has to spout off. You know the asshole I mean. The one who says something like this: “Well, did y...

Secondary is a Dirty Word**

Call me a slut, whore, cunt, or bitch. Call me stupid, crazy, fat, shallow, or lazy. But don't call me "secondary". I'm not particularly sensitive to word use. They're just words, right? It's pretty hard to push my buttons with word choice,...

Blackout: What to do when someone faints

Fainting or blacking out (known medically as "syncope") is not infrequent in a dungeon/play setting. In a majority of cases, the faint-ee will recover quickly. Don't panic! At an event/venue where there are medical staff available, IMMEDIATELY ...

Nerve damage from a hip harness (self-suspension bondage)

Ahhh, so here I was, getting a bit cocky after years of doing quite strenuous, dynamic suspensions in hip harnesses... and kinda thinking that my lower limbs were impervious to nerve damage... and then the leash of reality comes and yanks me...

Rigger's nightmare – whatcha gonna do? Handling falls from suspension.

This article was written by Shay and contributed to/edited by two kinky doctors, Dr. Who and Miette Rouge. Who are we/what are our credentials? Bio can be found at the bottom of the article! Falls from suspension are rare, but they...

BDSM Bullshit, Part 1: Impact play over bruises

During my time in the kink scene, I’ve heard some amazing myths, misconceptions, and complete and utter bullshit. Some of them I heard during casual conversation. Some of them I heard from a presenter standing in front of a class. Some of t...

BDSM Bullshit, Part 2: Who can be suspended?

Let’s start with an easy one – here’s a statement I hope we all recognize as bullshit: "Only skinny people can be suspended!” With me so far? Ok. Now, here’s what I sometimes hear as a counter to that particular piece of bullshit: "Anyone o...

BDSM Bullshit part 3: "Temporary Branding" & "Circles of Necrotic Flesh"

Part 1 of my series on BDMS myths and misconceptions can be found here , part 2 can be found here . This article was written by Shay and contributed to/edited by two kinky doctors, Dr. Who and Miette Rouge. Who are we/what are our credentials? ...

BDSM Bullshit Part 4- Impact play on calves and DVTs

What is it with kinky people and myths about DVTs? I don’t understand why this is a thing. On this episode of kinky mythbusting, I’ll address DVTs and kinky things that don’t cause them yet again...   Question (sent to me and share...

Bondage Pick-Up Play "Real Talk" (aka, bondage negotiation basics)

Let’s have some “real talk.” I’m a bondage safety geek. I have a ridiculously detailed web site that digs deep into the nuances of applying research on intraoperative positioning nerve damage to bondage-related injuries (and load of simi...

Breath Control Play -- A long and technical outline of practices and risks

In preparation for being on a breath control play panel at a local BDSM club, I organized this outline, and thought I would post it as well. This writing represents ONLY my own thoughts and accumulation of research (my resources are varied ...

Suspension Guidelines

Suspension Guidelines (as developed for the SF Citadel, and used by other local venues) In recognition of the popularity and risks of rope suspension, Citadel has developed the following guidelines as recommendations for engaging in this...

Private Duty: Testicle Skewers?

This article originally appeared in Kink-E-Zine, in a column called "Private Duty" that had an ask-the-kinky-nurse format. These articles were edited by a kinky MD, Dr. Who.   Question: I’ve been doing play piercings for awhile a...

On My Nerves, Part 1 (signs of a bondage injury)

To avoid duplicate content (and mitigate my struggles to keep two copies of this article up-to-date when I make changes), this article now lives only at Remedial Ropes ! Please check it out at this link, and thanks for reading! Interested...

On My Nerves, Part 2 (first aid for nerve damage)

To avoid duplicate content (and mitigate my struggles to keep two copies of this article up-to-date when I make changes), this article now lives only at Remedial Ropes ! Please check it out at this link , and thanks for reading! Interested...

Private Duty: Negotiation

This article  originally appeared in Kink-E-Zine, in a column called "Private Duty" that had an ask-the-kinky-nurse format. These articles were edited by a kinky MD, Dr. Who. Question: I'm a somewhat new top and I'm just starting to play ...

Don’t leave scars on newbie bottoms!

Hey tops/D-types/left-slashes/etc- IMHO, it’s not OK to leave scars on a bright & shiny newbie bottom. Sounds kinda simple, doesn’t it? Let’s break it down: “Leave scars” I want to set aside for the moment the (very serious, but more ...

In Defense of Demos and BDSM as Performance Art

There has been quite a bit of talk lately about the nature of kink education, both in articles like this  and this (to just take a couple prominent examples) and in general “on the street” chatter. There's a lot I could say about kinky educ...

Keep Concern Trolling Laws Out of Our Porn: A "workplace safety" based argument against mandatory condoms in adult films

There are many excellent reasons to oppose government mandated condoms in porn -- as an example of “sex work savior” legislation crafted while explicitly ignoring input from actual sex workers, a freedom of speech issue, another example of ...

Mandatory Condoms in Porn

This is the handout created for our panel at CatalystCon 2014 (www.catalystcon.com). It is an overview of the current testing standards and system, some discussion of why the industry was so united against legislation to mandate condoms in porn,...

BDSM Bullshit: Risk Stratification for Breath Control Play (aka Abstinence Only "Education" is Crap)

There is a LOT of bullshit out there about breath control play. This time I can even provide quotes and sources! "if you think that this is an area where having a partner limits the danger, then youre wrong. It is in fact just as dangerous...

Limits and Limitations (aka, not all limits violations are created equal)

Negotiation and consent are hot topics in the community at the moment (they’ve always been important, of course, but it seems that the conversation is more heated as of late). For me, these issues come down to limits (respecting the limits o...

International Power Exchange 2014 Interviews!

This is a compilation of three interviews we did on the International Power Exchange 2014 contest (for Leatherati , Kinky.com, and Fearless Press). 🙂 Congratulations on your title win! Can you tell us about the International Power Exchange...

The Way I do Poly

I’ve thought a lot about the way I want to practice poly in my relationships. Stefanos and I have always been lucky enough to have a relationship that just worked with very minimal need for processing or “rules”, but it’s come to my attenti...

Our International Power Exchange 2014 Stepaside Speech - Expectations, "topping from the bottom," and not fitting into boxes

These are our notes for our International Power Exchange stepaside speech at Beyond Leather 2015. Those who were there know that we didn’t actually use our notes, so the words that came out of our mouths certainly varied from the writing below, b...

Dungeon Monitor (DM) Kits

These are the contents of the basic Dungeon Monitor kits that we put together for the SF Citadel: Rescue hook Gloves Bandaids Whistle Handcuff key Hand sanitizer Safety scissors Flashlight We use orange...

San Francisco Dungeon Rules

Questions or concerns? Speak to the Event Hosts or the Dungeon Monitors (DMs). DMs wear an orange band around their arm or an orange vest. Event Hosts wear a blue band. If you have an issue with a DM, please go to the front desk and request...